The Diary of Severus Snape, 5th November, 1981.
Dear Diary,
I never thought that it was possible to feel so much pain at once. I have made the worst mistake that I could have possibly made in my entire life. It is thanks to me that my one and only love, the beautiful Lily Evans, with those vibrant green eyes I adored so much, is dead. Yes, dead. I can't bring myself to believe it, no matter how many times I repeat the fact. My heart will never adjust to the fact that she is no longer breathing, no longer living, no matter how many times the image of her lying cold and frozen on her bedroom floor haunts me. The wonderful Lily Evans. Dead. And her husband too. I resent James Potter with everything that I have inside me, and yet he made her happy. That he is gone... I cannot say that I regret. That she is gone... I don't know if I can live with the guilt for much longer. Oh it was my fault. My entire life I have loved her, and now she is gone because I was an absolute fool. She warned me not to get involved with the Dark Side, but I didn't listen - now The Dark Lord has taken from me the only person that ever meant anything to me. I fear that only retelling my story in it's full can truly make me face up to my misery, and the dangerous life of which I am now being forced to leave.
It was a cold Tuesday morning that it all began. The Hog's Head was practically empty, at five o'clock in the morning. Most punters arrived at around six o'clock at the earliest, in order to search for breakfast and a room - but I had decided that day to take a stroll around the Village of Hogsmeade, where I had recently heard intense rumours gossiped through Honeydukes to The Three Recruits! As a fresh recruit to The Death Eaters, I hadn't yet been involved in any missions for the Dark Lord, and so the Wizarding World still had a general faith in me, being completely ignorant to my true loyalties. Fresh recruits are, in that sense, the most valuable to the Dark Lord. They can work as insiders, manipulating the trust of others until they get the information that they need to help their true leader. Death Eaters are certainly not as useful when they're imprisoned in Azkaban, or in hiding for their crimes. I had recently taken a job in The Ministry of Magic as a Potion Tester, seeing as I had always excelled at Potions in my Hogwarts Days. No, this didn't involve drinking any of the Potions - I merely knew the right spells to use to distinguish between Poison and genuine Potion, and had the knowledge of ingredients to make sure that each Potion was made impeccably to the standard of which Ministry workers need in order to help the public. The pay was definitely not worth the hassle of the intense concentration each particular case needed, but regardless it gave me the opportunities that I needed to help The Dark Lord in any way that I could. And oh, I quickly rose to one of his favorites. I could often provide him with useful information about the security of the Ministry, which had led to some foolproof missions on his part. My work had also, fortunately, granted me with the certain skill of being able to gain information through any means, whether that meant charming it out of them or merely snooping on conversations. I'd always been rather good at that at school, as I'm sure Remus Lupin would agree.
Alone within the dark confines of the Pub, I pushed open the door to the large staircase leading to a string of dingy hotel rooms and made my way up the stairs, ensuring to move swiftly, and as quiet as a bat.
"Lumos!" I murmered and my wand shone within the darkness, guiding me through hallway after hallway of the Hog's Head rooms. I remember feeling distinctly surprised by the sheer amount of rooms in the place; it was like a maze! There had to have been some sort of Charm placed upon it. I wasn't quite sure what I was looking for, but the old Barman Aberforth Dumbledore appeared not to have risen yet and if I was going to be residing there for a while, I may as well make myself comfortable with the place. It wasn't soon after, however, that in the midst of my exploration I noted a light which was shining from one of the old bedrooms.
"Nox!" I hissed, and my wand light extinguished. Creeping now, I made my way towards the door which was ajar. What I heard there would change my life forever.
It was none other than my old headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. A foolish man who couldn't see that the Dark Lord could never be overpowered. What Albus was doing in a place like The Hog's Head, I had no idea. It aroused my curiosity, and so I hid behind my robes like a Vampire in the darkness, hiding my face and listening intently. It didn't take long for my curious nature to be rewarded. I soon realised that Albus was speaking to none other than Sybil Trelawney, a blundering fool who took herself to be a Seer. I was about to turn away and laugh at this meeting of blatant dunderheads when suddenly Trelawney's voice changed. Rooted to the spot, I listened in shock.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born
to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the
Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows
not ... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while
the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be
born as the seventh month dies ...""
I barely had time to gasp before a hand had gripped me by the neck, and I found myself being roughly gripped and lifted by the angry barman Aberforth, who appeared to have just come out of the kitchens to find me listening in to his Brother's competition.
"Get out of my Pub!" Aberforth roared, and I was thrust out into the cold for my crimes. I felt no sense of regret, however. In fact, I felt elated. This was my big chance to prove to the Dark Lord that I was his most loyal, most dedicated follower. Whoever this 'one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord' was, he would be a baby; most easy for the most powerful Wizard of all time to destroy. Licking my lips hungrily, I instantly apparated to a secluded area and firmly pressed upon the Dark Mark on my forearm with my wand. I waited a few moments with bated breath, and then soon enough, he apparated and was standing next to me. The infamous Dark Lord, with his red slits for eyes and long, pale limbs. I recounted to him what I had just heard, and thought nothing of it, until a few weeks later when the Death Eaters met once more.
"In a few weeks time, my friends." Voldemort had hissed harshly. "I am going to kill the one of whom they say will have the power to defeat me. But who is this 'one', you ask?" The Dark Lord had turned to each of us in turn, as if daring us to question who the individual was. Of course, none of us spoke up. "It is none other than the son of James and Lily Potter." he spat on the floor, and my heart started racing inside of my chest. No, not Lily, I begged inside. Please, not her. Anyone, but her. "They have been hidden from me for too long, yet I will find them. And when I do, there will be nothing to stop me from slaughtering their little son like a pig." The Dark Lord had laughed humorlessly, and The Death Eaters laughed too - as did I, even though my heart was breaking and my stomach was sinking. I had never felt so ill in my life. When the meeting ended, I took drastic measures. For once in my life, I fled to none other but Albus Dumbledore.
"PLEASE!" I begged, as I met the Headmaster on the Hilltop. "Please help her, I'll do anything!" Tears streamed down my face unrelentlessly, and I couldn't find the energy to stop them. I didn't want to stop them. I deserved the pain and the shame, the intense guilt which ran through me like a knife. If only I hadn't told The Dark Lord about the Prophecy, then Lily wouldn't be in any danger at all.
"Severus..." Albus breathed, in that irritatingly soft, calm voice of his. "look at what you have done." he scorned me, despite his facade of nonchalance, and that only made me bawl harder.
"Not... not Lily... please Albus... you can save her, p-please..." I cried, and I doubted if the tears would ever stop flowing. Dumbledore just looked down upon me condescendingly. Eventually he turned, sternly, watching me alike a boy once more, and said seriously,
"How can I trust you, Severus?"
The tears were soon replaced by anger, and in the state of passion I screamed, "Expecto Patronum!", the thought of my childhood with Lily permanently etched into my mind. A Patronus in the form of a Doe sprung from my wand tip -- echoing the form of Lily's own Patronus - and Dumbledore understood. He nodded.
"I will move them to Godric's Hollow. There she will be placed under a Fidelius Charm with James and their son Harry. I will make Sirius Black their secret keeper. She will be safe, Severus, but you must do something for me in return."
"Anything!" I gasped out in relief. Sirius Black was James Potter's best friend, after all. He could never betray them. Lily was to be safe, at last.
"Join the school as Potion's Master. Come and live in the comfort of the Hogwarts Walls, and be a messenger for me. I hear you are skilled at Occlumency. Remain loyal to me, and use those skills to hide your true allegiance from the Lord. You would be a credit to The Order of the Phoenix." Dumbledore said solemnly, and even though the thought of being some sort of double agent made me feel nauseous I was willing to do anything for the safety of Lily Evans. I nodded hastily.
"Thank you Dumbledore, thank you." I managed to gulp as I dried my tears.
"Don't thank me Severus." the old man breathed back in return. "It is thanks to you that the Potter child will be saved."
For a few days, I was content. I hated Sirius Black, but I trusted him to always look out for his friend even when I couldn't stand the very site of him. There was also something rather pleasing about being a Professor at Hogwart's school. The pay was much better than my old Ministry job, the food was excellent and there was something about finally having a position of power and respect which suited my needs perfectly. For a while I felt that my life was finally going somewhere, when I got the terrible, terrible news on the evening of October the 31st, via an owl from Remus Lupin.
The Potters were dead.
Sirius Black had betrayed them. Their best friend had betrayed them.
I abandoned the castle and grounds and instantly apparated to Godric's Hollow, unable to believe such horrific news unless I was to witness it with my own eyes. What I found there was devastating. Lily's body lay by her baby's cot, looking just as beautiful as she had in life. I held her against me like I had always dreamed of and wept for what felt like hours. I barely noticed the baby boy crying behind me with the lightning scar and the jet-black hair. All I could do was gaze into those empty eyes and mourn that I could have protected her. Oh Lily, I tried.
"I love you." I wept before finding the strength to leave, rage now seething through me like a hot iron. Apparating back to the castle, I stomped up to Dumbledore's Office and banged upon the door until he opened it for me.
"You told me you would protect her!" I blasted as I threw myself into the room.
"I tried my best, Severus. You tried your best, but Voldemort is too strong..."
"-That traitor, Sirius Black!" The thought suddenly struck me, malice flowing within my blood. "Where is he? I have to find him!" I asked.
"Sirius Black has been captured and detained in Azkaban. He murdered Peter Pettigrew, and took 12 muggles out with him. He's been charged for life without a trial."
This was more than I could take. Sinking into the chair behind Dumbledore's desk, my head sank into my hands.
"Jailed for life? He betrayed the Potters to Voldemort, he deserves more than life - he deserves the Dementor's Kiss!" I whined but Dumbledore merely sat opposite me, gazing towards me with a pity I could not stand.
Eventually he spoke again, his voice as soft and calculated as ever.
"She has a son, Severus." he sighed. "He lived. For as long as Harry Potter lives, Lily's legacy will live on."
Shakily, I sat back up. I gulped, and turned to Dumbledore in despair at my loss. "You have to protect him." he continued. "To make sure she didn't die in vain..."
"What if I dont want to! The thought of seeing him... the proof of her and James..." my stomach twisted.
"You've come too far now, Severus. Do her one last good. Protect her child."
In the end I couldn't protest.
And now I'm here. Five days later and alone in my Office, my heart sinking as if my body will collapse upon me. In a few moments I will be summoned, and I will have to apparate to the man who killed the only person who made me feel alive. I will have to bow to him, pretend to be loyal to him - do his bidding, even if that means murdering innocent people. I am nothing now. A mere puppet, destined to save the son of a thuggish bully who took the woman destined for me. Maybe when the end comes I shall see Lily again, and she will forgive me for all of the wrong that I have done. Writing of my pain is therapeutic, it makes it easier for me to hide my true feelings when in the Dark Lord's presence. My mind aches. I am tired, but I am ready to pretend all over again.
Still alive, for now.
Professor Severus Snape.
I never thought that it was possible to feel so much pain at once. I have made the worst mistake that I could have possibly made in my entire life. It is thanks to me that my one and only love, the beautiful Lily Evans, with those vibrant green eyes I adored so much, is dead. Yes, dead. I can't bring myself to believe it, no matter how many times I repeat the fact. My heart will never adjust to the fact that she is no longer breathing, no longer living, no matter how many times the image of her lying cold and frozen on her bedroom floor haunts me. The wonderful Lily Evans. Dead. And her husband too. I resent James Potter with everything that I have inside me, and yet he made her happy. That he is gone... I cannot say that I regret. That she is gone... I don't know if I can live with the guilt for much longer. Oh it was my fault. My entire life I have loved her, and now she is gone because I was an absolute fool. She warned me not to get involved with the Dark Side, but I didn't listen - now The Dark Lord has taken from me the only person that ever meant anything to me. I fear that only retelling my story in it's full can truly make me face up to my misery, and the dangerous life of which I am now being forced to leave.
It was a cold Tuesday morning that it all began. The Hog's Head was practically empty, at five o'clock in the morning. Most punters arrived at around six o'clock at the earliest, in order to search for breakfast and a room - but I had decided that day to take a stroll around the Village of Hogsmeade, where I had recently heard intense rumours gossiped through Honeydukes to The Three Recruits! As a fresh recruit to The Death Eaters, I hadn't yet been involved in any missions for the Dark Lord, and so the Wizarding World still had a general faith in me, being completely ignorant to my true loyalties. Fresh recruits are, in that sense, the most valuable to the Dark Lord. They can work as insiders, manipulating the trust of others until they get the information that they need to help their true leader. Death Eaters are certainly not as useful when they're imprisoned in Azkaban, or in hiding for their crimes. I had recently taken a job in The Ministry of Magic as a Potion Tester, seeing as I had always excelled at Potions in my Hogwarts Days. No, this didn't involve drinking any of the Potions - I merely knew the right spells to use to distinguish between Poison and genuine Potion, and had the knowledge of ingredients to make sure that each Potion was made impeccably to the standard of which Ministry workers need in order to help the public. The pay was definitely not worth the hassle of the intense concentration each particular case needed, but regardless it gave me the opportunities that I needed to help The Dark Lord in any way that I could. And oh, I quickly rose to one of his favorites. I could often provide him with useful information about the security of the Ministry, which had led to some foolproof missions on his part. My work had also, fortunately, granted me with the certain skill of being able to gain information through any means, whether that meant charming it out of them or merely snooping on conversations. I'd always been rather good at that at school, as I'm sure Remus Lupin would agree.
Alone within the dark confines of the Pub, I pushed open the door to the large staircase leading to a string of dingy hotel rooms and made my way up the stairs, ensuring to move swiftly, and as quiet as a bat.
"Lumos!" I murmered and my wand shone within the darkness, guiding me through hallway after hallway of the Hog's Head rooms. I remember feeling distinctly surprised by the sheer amount of rooms in the place; it was like a maze! There had to have been some sort of Charm placed upon it. I wasn't quite sure what I was looking for, but the old Barman Aberforth Dumbledore appeared not to have risen yet and if I was going to be residing there for a while, I may as well make myself comfortable with the place. It wasn't soon after, however, that in the midst of my exploration I noted a light which was shining from one of the old bedrooms.
"Nox!" I hissed, and my wand light extinguished. Creeping now, I made my way towards the door which was ajar. What I heard there would change my life forever.
It was none other than my old headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. A foolish man who couldn't see that the Dark Lord could never be overpowered. What Albus was doing in a place like The Hog's Head, I had no idea. It aroused my curiosity, and so I hid behind my robes like a Vampire in the darkness, hiding my face and listening intently. It didn't take long for my curious nature to be rewarded. I soon realised that Albus was speaking to none other than Sybil Trelawney, a blundering fool who took herself to be a Seer. I was about to turn away and laugh at this meeting of blatant dunderheads when suddenly Trelawney's voice changed. Rooted to the spot, I listened in shock.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born
to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the
Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows
not ... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while
the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be
born as the seventh month dies ...""
I barely had time to gasp before a hand had gripped me by the neck, and I found myself being roughly gripped and lifted by the angry barman Aberforth, who appeared to have just come out of the kitchens to find me listening in to his Brother's competition.
"Get out of my Pub!" Aberforth roared, and I was thrust out into the cold for my crimes. I felt no sense of regret, however. In fact, I felt elated. This was my big chance to prove to the Dark Lord that I was his most loyal, most dedicated follower. Whoever this 'one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord' was, he would be a baby; most easy for the most powerful Wizard of all time to destroy. Licking my lips hungrily, I instantly apparated to a secluded area and firmly pressed upon the Dark Mark on my forearm with my wand. I waited a few moments with bated breath, and then soon enough, he apparated and was standing next to me. The infamous Dark Lord, with his red slits for eyes and long, pale limbs. I recounted to him what I had just heard, and thought nothing of it, until a few weeks later when the Death Eaters met once more.
"In a few weeks time, my friends." Voldemort had hissed harshly. "I am going to kill the one of whom they say will have the power to defeat me. But who is this 'one', you ask?" The Dark Lord had turned to each of us in turn, as if daring us to question who the individual was. Of course, none of us spoke up. "It is none other than the son of James and Lily Potter." he spat on the floor, and my heart started racing inside of my chest. No, not Lily, I begged inside. Please, not her. Anyone, but her. "They have been hidden from me for too long, yet I will find them. And when I do, there will be nothing to stop me from slaughtering their little son like a pig." The Dark Lord had laughed humorlessly, and The Death Eaters laughed too - as did I, even though my heart was breaking and my stomach was sinking. I had never felt so ill in my life. When the meeting ended, I took drastic measures. For once in my life, I fled to none other but Albus Dumbledore.
"PLEASE!" I begged, as I met the Headmaster on the Hilltop. "Please help her, I'll do anything!" Tears streamed down my face unrelentlessly, and I couldn't find the energy to stop them. I didn't want to stop them. I deserved the pain and the shame, the intense guilt which ran through me like a knife. If only I hadn't told The Dark Lord about the Prophecy, then Lily wouldn't be in any danger at all.
"Severus..." Albus breathed, in that irritatingly soft, calm voice of his. "look at what you have done." he scorned me, despite his facade of nonchalance, and that only made me bawl harder.
"Not... not Lily... please Albus... you can save her, p-please..." I cried, and I doubted if the tears would ever stop flowing. Dumbledore just looked down upon me condescendingly. Eventually he turned, sternly, watching me alike a boy once more, and said seriously,
"How can I trust you, Severus?"
The tears were soon replaced by anger, and in the state of passion I screamed, "Expecto Patronum!", the thought of my childhood with Lily permanently etched into my mind. A Patronus in the form of a Doe sprung from my wand tip -- echoing the form of Lily's own Patronus - and Dumbledore understood. He nodded.
"I will move them to Godric's Hollow. There she will be placed under a Fidelius Charm with James and their son Harry. I will make Sirius Black their secret keeper. She will be safe, Severus, but you must do something for me in return."
"Anything!" I gasped out in relief. Sirius Black was James Potter's best friend, after all. He could never betray them. Lily was to be safe, at last.
"Join the school as Potion's Master. Come and live in the comfort of the Hogwarts Walls, and be a messenger for me. I hear you are skilled at Occlumency. Remain loyal to me, and use those skills to hide your true allegiance from the Lord. You would be a credit to The Order of the Phoenix." Dumbledore said solemnly, and even though the thought of being some sort of double agent made me feel nauseous I was willing to do anything for the safety of Lily Evans. I nodded hastily.
"Thank you Dumbledore, thank you." I managed to gulp as I dried my tears.
"Don't thank me Severus." the old man breathed back in return. "It is thanks to you that the Potter child will be saved."
For a few days, I was content. I hated Sirius Black, but I trusted him to always look out for his friend even when I couldn't stand the very site of him. There was also something rather pleasing about being a Professor at Hogwart's school. The pay was much better than my old Ministry job, the food was excellent and there was something about finally having a position of power and respect which suited my needs perfectly. For a while I felt that my life was finally going somewhere, when I got the terrible, terrible news on the evening of October the 31st, via an owl from Remus Lupin.
The Potters were dead.
Sirius Black had betrayed them. Their best friend had betrayed them.
I abandoned the castle and grounds and instantly apparated to Godric's Hollow, unable to believe such horrific news unless I was to witness it with my own eyes. What I found there was devastating. Lily's body lay by her baby's cot, looking just as beautiful as she had in life. I held her against me like I had always dreamed of and wept for what felt like hours. I barely noticed the baby boy crying behind me with the lightning scar and the jet-black hair. All I could do was gaze into those empty eyes and mourn that I could have protected her. Oh Lily, I tried.
"I love you." I wept before finding the strength to leave, rage now seething through me like a hot iron. Apparating back to the castle, I stomped up to Dumbledore's Office and banged upon the door until he opened it for me.
"You told me you would protect her!" I blasted as I threw myself into the room.
"I tried my best, Severus. You tried your best, but Voldemort is too strong..."
"-That traitor, Sirius Black!" The thought suddenly struck me, malice flowing within my blood. "Where is he? I have to find him!" I asked.
"Sirius Black has been captured and detained in Azkaban. He murdered Peter Pettigrew, and took 12 muggles out with him. He's been charged for life without a trial."
This was more than I could take. Sinking into the chair behind Dumbledore's desk, my head sank into my hands.
"Jailed for life? He betrayed the Potters to Voldemort, he deserves more than life - he deserves the Dementor's Kiss!" I whined but Dumbledore merely sat opposite me, gazing towards me with a pity I could not stand.
Eventually he spoke again, his voice as soft and calculated as ever.
"She has a son, Severus." he sighed. "He lived. For as long as Harry Potter lives, Lily's legacy will live on."
Shakily, I sat back up. I gulped, and turned to Dumbledore in despair at my loss. "You have to protect him." he continued. "To make sure she didn't die in vain..."
"What if I dont want to! The thought of seeing him... the proof of her and James..." my stomach twisted.
"You've come too far now, Severus. Do her one last good. Protect her child."
In the end I couldn't protest.
And now I'm here. Five days later and alone in my Office, my heart sinking as if my body will collapse upon me. In a few moments I will be summoned, and I will have to apparate to the man who killed the only person who made me feel alive. I will have to bow to him, pretend to be loyal to him - do his bidding, even if that means murdering innocent people. I am nothing now. A mere puppet, destined to save the son of a thuggish bully who took the woman destined for me. Maybe when the end comes I shall see Lily again, and she will forgive me for all of the wrong that I have done. Writing of my pain is therapeutic, it makes it easier for me to hide my true feelings when in the Dark Lord's presence. My mind aches. I am tired, but I am ready to pretend all over again.
Still alive, for now.
Professor Severus Snape.